Everyone understands that a dysfunctional family dynamic will crush the estate being passed to the Next Generation. Squabbling. Jealousy. Simmering. Hassles. Threats. Lawsuits. Estrangement. Broken families. We’ve all seen this trainwreck too often. In our own families and in many others. It’s a tragedy. And completely avoidable.
There is some evidence that it is getting worse. When humans do not have facts, they tend to invent stories, often myopic, untrue, and sometimes nasty. The recent WSJ article by Elizabeth Bernstein “Why Are So Many Adults Cutting Off Their Parents?” explored the reasons why “Family estrangement is on the rise, driven by shifting family norms and changing therapy practices.”
There was a recent event for Mom and Dad to understand why with 200 attendees and another 250 live streaming. “We want to know what makes all these kids want to do this,” says [Robin] Brill, a 60-year-old retired event planner from Atlanta. “Because whatever the individual case may be, they are all saying the same thing: ‘My mom is a narcissist.’ ‘My dad is self-absorbed.’ ‘It’s your fault something is wrong.’ ”
The parallels to the divorce epidemic in the 1970s are being drawn in that “the movement is driven by a convergence of large societal trends—this time the rise of social-media algorithms, changing therapeutic approaches and a broadening definition of trauma.” I am no expert here, but the second and third order effects and generations from the rise in divorce may now be emerging in the estrangement data.
The pandemic likely did not do this trend any favors, but that data is still nascent. Research from Cornell sociologist Karl Pillemer’s 2020 book, “Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them” “shows that 10% of the U.S. population is estranged from, or has cut ties with, a parent or child at any given time, while 25% is estranged from any close relative.” And many are jumping on the trend to help (and I will let you judge what is helpful or not).
Like most complex issues, the drivers are multivariate. Some of the larger concepts include:
- Concept creep - What is toxic, abusive, or unsafe continues to evolve
- Family relationships - Compulsory kinship is becoming democratized kinship, rooted in quality
- Personal identity - Accepting other’s individuality is becoming even more required to be part of the family
- Social media - Short-video formats and posts leave little room for nuance
- Estrangement as self-care - Therapist increasingly suggest leaving is better than repairing
We are not here to solve every family dynamic and dysfunction. But, I will offer one of our guiding principles which could help, “If we want good partners, we need to be a good partner first.” We aim to be plainspoken. State what we will do, and then do it. With kindness, joy, and hustle. Leave it better than we found it. Give first. Be easy to partner with. Help.
We fundamentally believe that better family communication will lead to better family outcomes. Improved transparency and accountability around the Business of the Family gives everyone the chance to be a better partner to the family system. We can let others shine as they need within the service of the family legacy. We can help ourselves. We can move our families forward…