Morningstar published an honest interview titled Will Your Retirement Plan Withstand the Death of a Spouse? between Christine Benz and Amy C. Arnott, CFA. It is oddly more about how to handle our personal housing once widowed rather than what the title suggests, but it offers candid, forthright, and informative concepts. As such, let’s dig into some of the broader themes so we are well prepared for our inevitable tomorrows.
The first piece of advice is “Slow Down Before You Choose Where to Live.” And this makes sense, since there is by definition so much change and uncomfortableness and firsts, moving something as fundamental as where we sleep is even more upheaval.
I understand it is hard for Mom to be reminded of all of the memories with Dad in their home, around their kitchen table, and in his favorite chair. I understand we may want to have our surviving parent move in with us. But is uprooting Mom or Dad from their social circles, their rhythms of life, and their independence the best thing? Maybe, but we should be very wary of compounding the loneliness and change and uncertainty.
The next large topic is “Can You Stay in Your House? Consider the Risks.” As Mom or Dad get older and live longer, can they afford to stay? Do they have the income? Are there assets we can leverage to make that true? Who is in charge of maintenance? Are there stairs or other physical realities of the home that will make it harder to stay long term? Have we considered them living with us? Do we have the space? Do we have the money? How will it impact the Next Generation? Can they go to a continuing-care or retirement community? Can they afford to? Are we paying for this? How?
And if we are considering a Life Plan Community, what questions do we need to ask? We need to explore “everything from the financial stability of the organization to their connectedness with well-care and fitness programs, lifelong learning, the health system, all these sorts of things to look at.” We need to feel comfortable that the organization, the facility, and Mom or Dad will thrive for years.
Ultimately, what are we trying to avoid? The scenario where “suddenly [Mom and Dad] went into a downward spiral, and they had done no planning whatsoever. And fast-forward to it’s like three years from the point that it began, and she is in an Alzheimer’s unit, and he is in independent living but keeps bouncing in and out of the hospital and is probably going to be in assisted living very soon.” Living far away is worse but secondary to the main tragedy.
Are these fun conversations to have? Of course not. Are they necessary? Absolutely. If we are going to lead the family, then we need to lead the family. We can help ourselves and have these conversations at the Kitchen Table rather than over a Hospital Bed. We can have healthy, family conversations rooted in love and planning. We can move ourselves forward…